It's raining outside... or at least, it was this morning. I got up at 4:26 and it was pouring. It's so dark...I went outside and walked down the street in it, and I got soaked. It was actually pretty miserable, but the type of misery that feels good in a way.
For some strange reason, I have this mental image in my head of me and her. It's years from now and I'm telling her how sorry I am that I never loved her, and it was just never there for me, and if I've waited all this time, then it's not going to come. She told me so much, she poured everything inside her out. "I would make every mistake I've made over again if it led me back to you" is what she told me. I don't get why if someone loves me that much, it's not possible for me to love them like that, or want them... It's the hardest thing to explain. There is no passion in me for her, there is lack of feeling and emotion, but I still stay with her. Why? mabe, I'm just afraid to break her heart... because as much as she says that she just wants me to be happy, it would break her heart into a million little pieces.
I think, that I'm a liar, and a theif... and a fucking illusion. A facade... of something synthetic... fake... existing under false conditions... just because everyone else is hallucinating. Something that really looks like it's there, but really isn't. I will probably... wait until I have to leave... and then I will move away, and I'll just say that it's over, and I have to move on, and that I never fell in love with her, and I probably never will. I think that I will pretend... because everyone needs to be happy, or have someone or something to believe in, and if I can be that for her... even if it's only for a little while, then at least I will have had some purpose in this time of my life.. I need to be in love, and I'm not in love with her. I want to be head over heels, over the moon crazy about someone. Out of my mind.
"Open Wounds"
In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Then spend a minute with you
I'm gone, I'm gone
And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault
How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?
Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change
I'm never good enough
And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault
Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end??
