No Storybook Ending For This Fairytale Of You...

There are seriously not enough hours in the day... Finals are this week and I'm probably going to fail most of them. I don't really appreciate the fact that one test can bring down a semester's worth of work to a failing grade... but I can't do anything about it, so I'm just going to try not to stress. I'm watching the new season of "the L Word" <3 ...and... Now every time I cry... it's  because of what's not happening, instead of what has. I will miss her...forever... and none of it matters. I have concluded that the way I feel won't change things. It hasn't yet.

It's pouring outside... beautiful. Christmas Eve... my family and I went to look at Christmas lights. I sat in the backseat of the car and everything that I ever felt for her came back to me. Not these things that hurt, but all the things that made it worthwhile. I never wanted to get home. I prayed that we would drive just a little longer, so I could never leave the place that I was in. A couple days before new year's I stood outside of Denny's with Shady. I held her, like it was the last time I would ever hold her. I touched her like tommarow wouldn't even come. I've never cried so hard. When she turned and walked away to go home, I couldn't stand it. I sank to the floor, and I just couldn't stop. And now all of my friends hate her, and it's sick. They get in the way... and they want me "to be happy" but when I am they aren't happy for me. I wish that everyone would get out of my business. I wish that people would stop going after me like I'm single. I don't feel single at all, I feel divorced. She cried to me and told me she loves me... but she doesn't know how to take me, she doesn't know how to fix it. It's consumed me. Now I know why so many marriages fail. Maybe love just isn't enough to get you through.

I swore I wasn't letting anyone in. Ever. And then there she was... (oh this sounds like that Atreyu song)... I couldn't help it. I fell in love with... a girl. Shady, Shady... Shady. What the hell happened to me? Everything about her, the way she smiles at me and the way she laughs... her flaws, I see her so perfectly. And I have never, in all my days felt that strongly about someone. And then it was all gone, and I don't know what to do. I wish I knew what I thought about before I knew her. I wish I knew what it was like to think about something else. She's in everything, from the time that I wake up to the time that I fall asleep. I don't understand, if I love her, and she loves me, why we're not together. Maybe it takes more than that. I want to dissapear.
<--that's her.

       I think I just get feisty. I don't mind... in fact... I think that I thought that girl was trying to impersonate me or something o.O which is why I was kinda mad. I don't want to leave here because I've been here for so long.... yeah...
     I think that I'm going to move. To Santa Monica. My stepdad.... has been sexually abusing me... I should just put it simple and say only that. I can't stay here and suffer through it anymore, and I refuse to be the source of my mom being unhappy, so I won't tell her. THerefore, I'm moving away.
    

In case you all want to know, I'm leaving Mindsay. Kami has decided to go and jack my picture... and say that it's her. So as of now, considering that someone could try and say that they are me (which I guess I should take as an extreme compliment but to tell you the truth I'm pretty pissed)... I don't have any faith in anyone here anymore. I will take a picture of me... with a sign, just to prove a fucking point. Add me and I'll get on webcam, because I can prove that's me in my picture. Thanks guys... but I'm on insane Hiatus right now. Fuck the fakes.